As I think about some of my favorite Bible stories, I am challenged to see myself. I think of all the times I have talked about the book of Exodus and the journey of the Israelites to the promised land and thought........how could they not trust God after all he did for them, how could they question God and chase after other things when the miracles of God were shown right in front of their faces? Why did they doubt.....HOW could they doubt?
This week I just feel soooo humbled as I realize how, like the Israelites, despite God's miracles and moving in my own life.... I seem to go through these times of fear, doubt and questioning God. God WHEN is your timing, WHAT is your plan, WHY do I need to wait? Typical to these moments, guilt soon moves in when I comtemplate who I am and who God is. Is he not the God that has miraculously sustained me in Costa Rica the last 2.5 years? Is he not the God that opened my eyes to prophecy and healing this year including witnessing my first healing on my 26th Birthday? How many times has he protected me here? How many times he has used little simple me to reach out when I felt vulnerable and weak with nothing to offer?
After thinking through these things I sit in awe.....who am I to question Him? Am I not the clay here like my blog says? Or will I be a hypocrite and say that that is what I am but still somehow question? As if to say to God, do you REALLY have me Lord? How condescending! God has been with me through every process, I never want to forget how he led me to this beautiful country and how he was with me as I stepped off that plane having no clue what was to come.By God's mercy alone he still constantly speaks and fills me with his presence and blesses me even when I act like a little brat to him. He has truly brought me on the adventure of my life. He has filled me with unexpressable joy at times, there have been times I have been so touched that I have been brought to tears in His presence. He has brought me to amazing places and I have met amazing people. I have cried in complete brokeness and I have laughed so hard my stomach hurts. All these things have been a gift to me and He chose to share this with me.
Honestly, this last month has been tough for me and I have been tested alot with the question.....how much do you REALLY trust God? This month has put a couple financial difficulties in my path.....and even though I have been here many many times in the last years and God always works it out, I somehow have my freak out moment.......Lord what am I going to do?! How can I make money to take away each month's unknown income. I hate waiting till the 26th of each month to find out if I can pay the rent. I want stability, I want assurance......and all in my flesh! It's then that I realize that in my flesh I want to take away all the things that force me to lean on him. I forget that leaning on him has taught me so much, has made me grow and has increased my faith. When I remember his faithfulness and my stability and assurance in him....I stop in my tracks and realize I am in the best position ever.
That hasn't been the only thing I have felt frustrated in.....then there's the monotonous days of coloring and coloring and coloring visuals to teach the Bible.....where I'm questioning.....Lord where is our house to serve in ministry? Will this be affective? There are days like today in which I feel I will go crazy if I color another sheet and I wonder if He will really bring his promises into fruition or if my work is in vain. I feel like my heart is out there and I'm afraid of failing. This has been the hardest for me....as each month that goes by and still not finding a house, it gets harder. Please keep this in prayer.
Why do I share these things? Because I believe we all share in these struggles. I could write to you about the lovely side of being a missionary and share moving stories of God working in ministry and moving in people's lives....but I would be missing a crucial part of reality that sometimes.........It is HARD. Sometimes I question my work and sometimes I wonder like anyone if I heard God right. I think that we all feel that way. We are all on this faith journey and we are all Israelites. We are NOT above that. God moves amazing things all the time that we either fail to see or simply forget. I pray to God.....OPEN my eyes to YOUR work and to YOUR heart. I pray and ask God.....Forgive me for the times when I doubt and forget your faithfulness. Forgive me for being impatient and ungrateful. Indeed He has made my life full. Pray for me as I continue to serve Him and that I would be patient for his timeline with me and Anita's ministry endeavours and that I would be content in this process of praying, planning, coloring and waiting. I am human too and need prayer for all these things. Thanks for your prayers and I pray for all those out there who maybe feel the same. Our God is faithful.....let's try not to be like the Israelites!