like a stab in the heart.....

These last two months have been nothing but spiritual attack after spiritual attack.....and in the midst of it all, God's love and presence has given me the strength to make it through. The hard part is that it is not over yet. The intensity of the last month have been exhausting and as I watch my little sister who I love so much "dwindling"over a cliff of major decisions that will affect her life......my instinct wants so bad to run over and not let her fall. But.....I am continually challenged to give her into God's hands and encourage her when the time is right but also at times sit back and not say anything.....realizing that I can't stop her and neither should I be that pulling force all of the time. I am not her savior...God is. Easier said than done.

This ache that I feel for her is also a gift from God. God is the one that called me to love her without holding back.... knowing that at any time......my heart could be broken by the outcome. You see Marilyn doesn't see herself how God see's her and how I see her. She doesn't think much of herself and just doesn't believe that she can live her life differently than her past and differently than her family have lived. There is so much pressure pulling her to do everything that will leave her hurt and empty.

I know that God has connected me to her. When she is going through something, I can feel it in my gut....even when I'm not in her presence.....I just know when something is wrong. I can be enjoying time with friends when all of a sudden I feel something off and my stomach starts to turn. When it happens it is intense. This has been my life the last couple months about 4 times each week. Each time, this is followed by me talking with her for hours, encouraging her and praying. It has been hard but God has just opened up my world to the spiritual battle within her. The worst part is that I feel that Satan is winning despite my prayers and talks with her.

Anyways, I wanted to share this so that you can continue to pray for me.....I need it. This morning is one of those mornings when my stomach is turning. She doesn't know that I know what is going on. You see......she told one of my friends that she is planning to move out today without telling me. I am going to a Thanksgiving dinner tonight...and while I'm there she is planning to leave.Where? with a classmate that is not a Christian and a hardcore partier......which is one of her constant temptations.

 I can imagine how you parents feel. After investing so much time in the last year and pouring my heart into her.....its hard to sit back and watch her go downhill. She is like a little sister to me. The hardest part is that I feel God telling me not to say anything or intervene. My hands are tied. There is always a chance that she will change her mind, that this is a cry for help, manipulation, or that she will just move out, but until tonight......I am sitting here.....absolutely crushed and I can't even show it. I am seeking God and just praying. His will be done and not mine. If she does leave.....I will need God to help me through it.....I know that Satan tries to bring me down with feelings that if she falls that its my fault.....but I do the best I can.....I love with the love that God gives.....and I accept the pain that comes with that sometimes. It's amazing to me how God loves all of us in this way (and even more). I remind myself of God's unconditional love and how he loved his disciples even when he knew they would deny him and betray him. God calls us to love in this way, in a way that is radical and unconditional. Thanks for being prayer warriors for my situation/ministry.